‘Come in, sit down, Mr Mourinho.’

‘I will stand, doctor. I don’t want to be here –

‘Then why are you?’

‘The Russian ruler Roman said I had to see you.’

‘I see. Have you seen your usual doctor?

‘No. I am very angry with her. She kept treating people –‘

‘Isn’t that what she’s supposed to do?’

‘Only when I tell her to. Anyway, I don’t want to discuss it, or I’m walking out. ‘

‘Right. Now what exactly is the trouble?’

‘Trouble? It’s nothing. Zey say I am ‘losing ze plot’ – zat I am saying crazy things.’

‘Like what?’

‘ Like when I say when my team is good, zey play well, the TV and paper people say ‘zey are crap’ – just because ze other teams are scoring more goals. We only lost three –nil on Sunday….’

‘Only?’

‘Yes, I said it was a ‘fake’ result. Now zey are shouting ‘Fake Off!’ at me, and others say ‘Yes, you faker, it should have been seven! Zen just because I take my uninjured captain off at half time when my others are bleeding and have bandages like your Basil Fawlty, zey cannot understand why I do it, stupid people…

‘Well, why did you do that?’

‘He is – I mean he was too slow, I needed a quicker one. But he is still my captain, he still had his armband on the bench. I tell you, he would have been finished by the uzzers years ago, before I came back.’

‘What else?’

‘Last week ze stupid referee – hey, don’t tell zem I said that, or zey will fine me again – he sent my goalkeeper off, and you know what – my team were better wiz ten men than eleven! I make such good decisions you see – ’

‘Are you ever wrong?’

‘Wrong? Of course not, are you stupid? I am ze ‘Special One’, I am always right.’

‘’Have you always thought that?’

‘Yes, always. Last time, en Espana, zey called me ‘El Loco’, especially in Barcelona. But all ze Spanish are mad, anyway. I am Portuguese –‘

‘But you are in England now. Do you ever apologise?’

‘Apologise? What for? To who? I told you, I am never wrong, so how can I apologise?’

‘Nobody is right all the time, Mr Mourinho – even you.’

‘Are you stupid? I am not a ‘specialist in failure’ like a Frenchman I know. I tell everyone zat. Do you agree?’

‘Well, no… Actually, I think you have deep-seated problems, Mr Mourinho – in your head.’

‘Me? You are the mad one! I am leaving, I will tell Abramovich he is wasting his money. What sort of doctor are you, anyway?’

‘I am a psychiatrist, Mr Mourinho…’

 

Sanity prevailing, even Chelsea supporters I know are worried about Jose’s state of mind. The Portuguese is clearly out of control. Following the Charity Shield defeat by Arsenal, the scraped draw at the Bridge against super Swansea, the “Doctorgate” fiasco, and finally the clear to (almost) all mauling on Sunday from Man City, it is Mourinho’s savage, deluded reactions to the crises of his own making which do him the most harm. His has-been defence with both Terry and Ivanovic suffering, is creaking and leaking goals: midfielders like Fabregas are so far out of form it hurts and the Blues once-feared strike force is non-existent. The facts show that in two Prem games Chelsea’s two goals were a lucky free kick and an own goal whilst conceding five, and their number one goalkeeper was sent off and banned.

 

Of all the players to be taken off at half-time on Sunday and with two key players injured, no-one – but no-one – could have predicted the master of manipulation would take off his fit captain and centre half when actually losing the game. Instead changes should have been made upfront where Chelsea’s primary striker Diego Costa had clearly lost his bandaged head in hot pursuit of his tormenter, and is clearly ineffective and injury-prone at the moment. Why was Remy not brought on? As for Falcao, well… with 10 minutes on the field he offered nothing, exerting unfair pressure on himself and everyone else. His other sub, £23m Juan Cuadrado was nowhere, and hasn’t exactly been a success either in seven months.

 

Here’s a thought. Last time Mou was around West London back in 2006, Chelsea won the title and went out and bought Andiy Shevchenko for £30m. The Ukrainian was a disaster, a big expensive mistake where Russian ruler Roman Abramovich stuck his oar in with instructions Jose didn’t like and the beginning of the end between the two started. Now it’s crisis time at the Bridge: the panic buying has started as the Blues bought yet another full back, this time Ghanaian Baba Rahman from Augsburg, and then have just splashed out £21m for Barcelona’s unhappy winger Pedro(more opposite).With Messi, Neymar and now Suarez around, striking opportunities are few at the mighty Nou Camp, but Pedro is a real Catalan product of the youth system, and didn’t really want to leave his home city. Now then – apparently arsey Abramovich didn’t want either of the Manchester clubs to get the Spaniard – although his manager does not feel he needs another winger/forward, what with Eden Hazard, Oscar, Willian, Victor Moses and Juan Cuadrado already in his squad. Hmm…does Pedro know he’s stepping into the lion’s den at Chelsea?

It would be very interesting to know what the oligarch is making of his manager’s latest antics, wouldn’t it? It would a surprise if the stone-faced one endorsed the Portuguese’s recent behaviour and not be bewildered like the rest of us – including some of his most devoted and ardent supporters. I suppose it’s nothing a few billion roubles won’t sort out, Roman style. Good question: does anyone think Mourinho would be able to manage a club successfully

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